Archaeologists in central Anatolia have uncovered what they’re calling the Starbucks of the Bronze Age—a 3,000-year-old coffee shop complete with clay tables, a bread oven, and startlingly well-preserved murals depicting elaborate latte art. Most controversially, researchers have identified traces of smashed avocados and flatbread remains on the site, suggesting that Bronze Age Anatolians may have invented avocado toast—millennia before it was “rediscovered” by brunch enthusiasts in Brooklyn.
The Discovery
The site, dubbed “Café Göbekli” by the team (a nod to the nearby Göbekli Tepe), was unearthed during a routine excavation of a hill that locals referred to as “The Hummus Mound.” What began as an investigation into ancient trade routes quickly turned into a culinary deep dive when a series of hearths, mixing bowls, and rudimentary ceramic mugs were uncovered.
“We believe this was a communal gathering space,” said Dr. Elif Karaman, lead archaeologist, “where people could come together to complain about the rising cost of barley or trade sarcastic observations about sheep herding trends.”
The Latte Art Connection
Most remarkable is a mural featuring a geometric swirl pattern on a clay cup—arguably the earliest depiction of latte art ever discovered. Scholars speculate this may have been a status symbol for the elite, much like today’s $8 oat milk lattes with foam hearts.
“We’re not saying the Bronze Age Anatolians invented third-wave coffee culture,” said Karaman. “But we’re also not not saying it.”
Avocado Toast: The True Origin Story
Carbon-dating of avocado pits found on-site has shocked researchers. While avocados were thought to originate in Central and South America, this discovery suggests that the fruit’s fan base may have been far more global. Paired with ancient flatbread crumbs and an enigmatic stone pestle smeared with green residue, this points to a culinary tradition that is eerily familiar.
“It’s like they just got it,” mused culinary historian Dr. Nigel Tremblay. “No frills, no gimmicks—just bread, smashed avocado, and a drizzle of olive oil. None of this microgreens nonsense. Truly, a lost golden age.”
Cultural Implications
While the discovery sheds new light on Bronze Age gastronomy, it’s also led to fierce debates among historians. Some claim this was merely a primitive eatery catering to traders along ancient spice routes. Others believe it represents the first stirrings of hipster culture, with its emphasis on artisanal preparation and small-batch ingredients.
A minority of researchers, however, have raised concerns about the possibility of time travel. “The avocado toast is too perfect,” said Dr. Amelia Featherton. “What if someone from the 21st century went back and left it there as a joke? That’s the only explanation I’m comfortable with.”
Tourism Potential
Local officials are already planning to capitalize on the discovery, with plans for a “Bronze Age Brunch Experience” museum exhibit. Visitors can try their hand at grinding barley for coffee, churning goat-milk foam, or re-creating latte art using clay pigments.
As for the avocado toast? A trademark dispute has reportedly been filed by an enterprising café owner in Istanbul, who insists his ancestors invented it at least 4,000 years ago.
Stay tuned as archaeologists dig deeper into the hummus-laden soil of Café Göbekli. Could a quinoa salad bar be next? Or perhaps an ancient kombucha brewery? One thing is certain: history has never been tastier—or trendier.